Tuesday, December 10, 2013


I always thought I would be ok just being alone. I've always enjoyed my time by myself....but when your alone and not by choice its different. I havent felt this desperate for someone, anyone to keep me from being pulled back down to that dark place I once knew....I'm reaching and while I sit here writing out my desperation...I drown.

No one is around to even notice... I am alone.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Doctor Appts., Boston Bombing, Random Thoughts...

Today started out like most usual Mondays, I woke up, got ready and headed out to my doctor appointments. Since Monday is my day off I had hoped to take advantage of the nice weather we're finally having, after the tease we had two weeks ago. I never like going to the doctor, I very rarely get good news and very often get unexpected disappointing news. Many times I go in for one thing and come out with another issue I never thought I had but now have to look into with a whole new doctor.

So I was worrying all day about one particular test I was going to have done and whether something they are monitoring was getting better, worse or stayed the same. Obviously I was thinking of all the possible horrible things they might tell me and how I would deal with it.

Until I got home, and turned on the television and  noticed nearly every local channel broadcasting the aftermath of the bombings in Boston. I was in shock, my first reaction was "not again." You have to understand I live in New York, so I was around for the first World Trade Center bombings and  9/11, it hits home.  Another random senseless act of violence on innocent people just trying to live. People actually enjoying themselves, some of whom were running because they can, others cheering them on, happily.

Yet here I am thinking about how my life my might become worse and miserable with the uncertain news I was waiting to receive.

Sometimes life can change in an instant, so it's better to live life happily then to sit worrying about what might happen. Easier said than done, I know...but worth a try.


Temporary Freedom

I'm free, 
free not to be here,
 free from the chains that hold me to you,
 free to do what makes me happy, 
free to not think of you until I have to again.
To go wherever I want, 
to wake up when I want and sleep when I feel like it. 
I'm free, even if it's just for a day, the weekend or a short vacation. 
I'm FREE....until I have to go back to you again. 
The bane of my existence, of my repetition, of my misery. 
 I blink and I am back...
 I hate my job.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

What you mean to me...

Never have I told you
you are nothing to me
if you disappeared today
it would be a new tomorrow
if you called my name
i would be deaf
if you touched my face
it would melt away
never have I told you
you took all of me
i sometimes wish
i would have told you.

Sunday, March 31, 2013


Hatred fills me like a boiling pot
hotter and hotter I boil
the steam engulfs me
I edge closer and closer to the rim
I will boil over
I was forgotten
so I must burn you
until I can simmer

Thursday, March 21, 2013


It's funny, you don't really hear the word humble anymore when someone is trying to describe their friend or loved one. I don't think I know many people I can truly say are humble. One thing I've learned is you never know where you might end up in life, so you shouldn't think you're too good for anything...

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Queen Bee

You know that old saying, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar...basically meaning you  can get more or go further by being nice rather than being mean. Well why does it always seem like I give out honey and I get vinegar in return...and then everyone tells me I'm too nice. What the hell, I guess I should start being a jerk, then maybe I'll be the queen of the hive!

Tuesday, March 19, 2013


So I just finished reading Wild by Cheryl Strayed, an absolutely riveting memoir of a young woman loosing herself while dealing with the tragic loss of her mother, failed marriage and drug use. She soon comes to the realization that hiking the Pacific Crest Trail will help her truly grieve and regain the sense of self and strength she once had. All alone and with no experience Cheryl conveys just how dangerous, challenging and eye-opening the PCT proves to be. Having to deal with wild animals, physical pain, inclement weather and dehydration, in the end all aid Cheryl in finding what she was looking for.

Interestingly, when I started reading this book, I was a little turned off,  the beginning has you dealing with her mother's death. Honestly, it was somewhat depressing and had me closing my nook in those first few pages. Mostly because my parents are older and retiring and I guess I just didn't want to think of the whole parents and death thing. Yet I forged on and kept giving it more time to pick up and I'm glad I did. I think it was the author's vivid details and descriptions that kept me reading on. Once I was sucked into her beginner's hiking experience, I couldn't put it down. I couldn't help but wonder what new challenge she would face next.

Definitely worth a read... :-)

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Miserable People

Sometimes people around you can affect your mood so much that you forget how you really feel. I just remembered it's okay to be happy, and I'm really enjoying it, maybe you should try it sometime. It seems some people just revel in their misery and want to suck you in...just keep smiling.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

So many thoughts, so little answers, where do I begin...?