I have to figure this out...

I haven't written anything in awhile and I really don't know why. I always feel better after I write, maybe it's because I don't have many people I can speak to. Maybe I've just exhausted the few people around me that I do have, so I'm turning back to the only other comfort in my life. Or maybe it's because my miserable job has exhausted me and on top of my health, I'm too tired to even think, much less write....But I digress....

 Its funny because when you're a kid grown ups seem to have everything figured out, they have jobs they make money, things look awesome and you just can't wait to be an adult.

....The you become one

....and life really kicks your ass.

What you don't see as a kid is, all the job problems, money problems, relationships, health... and all you long for are the days when all you had to worry about was homework.

Trying to figure out where I fit in now is the worst, I have a job but want a career or at least somewhere I feel I matter. What that is and where, is the hard part. Battling health issues doesn't help either, having had recent back surgery (cervical spinal fusion) and still in pan, along with the myriad of other conditions from arthritis, to IBS, to interstitial cystitis, to name a few.....how does one manage it all and still find themselves?

Writing has always helped me when I'm feeling depressed, lost, lonely and I guess I'm more lost than ever. 

 I believe in God and Karma, so hopefully both are on my side, I need all the help I can get. Maybe I can get a job working with animals, because people are assholes. 

why can't life be sunshine and rainbows instead of rain and thunderstorms

I try to treat ppl the way I would want to be treated but then what happens when the people you thought liked u turn around and show you their true self. Then what, I just had spine surgery and I'm so lonely...

Lonely

I always thought I would be ok just being alone. I've always enjoyed my time by myself....but when your alone and not by choice its different. I havent felt this desperate for someone, anyone to keep me from being pulled back down to that dark place I once knew....I'm reaching and while I sit here writing out my desperation...I drown.

No one is around to even notice... I am alone.

Doctor Appts., Boston Bombing, Random Thoughts...

Today started out like most usual Mondays, I woke up, got ready and headed out to my doctor appointments. Since Monday is my day off I had hoped to take advantage of the nice weather we're finally having, after the tease we had two weeks ago. I never like going to the doctor, I very rarely get good news and very often get unexpected disappointing news. Many times I go in for one thing and come out with another issue I never thought I had but now have to look into with a whole new doctor.

So I was worrying all day about one particular test I was going to have done and whether something they are monitoring was getting better, worse or stayed the same. Obviously I was thinking of all the possible horrible things they might tell me and how I would deal with it.

Until I got home, and turned on the television and  noticed nearly every local channel broadcasting the aftermath of the bombings in Boston. I was in shock, my first reaction was "not again." You have to understand I live in New York, so I was around for the first World Trade Center bombings and  9/11, it hits home.  Another random senseless act of violence on innocent people just trying to live. People actually enjoying themselves, some of whom were running because they can, others cheering them on, happily.

Yet here I am thinking about how my life my might become worse and miserable with the uncertain news I was waiting to receive.

Sometimes life can change in an instant, so it's better to live life happily then to sit worrying about what might happen. Easier said than done, I know...but worth a try.

:-)

Temporary Freedom

I'm free, 
free not to be here,
 free from the chains that hold me to you,
 free to do what makes me happy, 
free to not think of you until I have to again.
To go wherever I want, 
to wake up when I want and sleep when I feel like it. 
I'm free, even if it's just for a day, the weekend or a short vacation. 
I'm FREE....until I have to go back to you again. 
The bane of my existence, of my repetition, of my misery. 
 I blink and I am back...
 I hate my job.

What you mean to me...

Never have I told you
you are nothing to me
if you disappeared today
it would be a new tomorrow
if you called my name
i would be deaf
if you touched my face
it would melt away
never have I told you
you took all of me
i sometimes wish
i would have told you.

Hatred

Hatred fills me like a boiling pot
hotter and hotter I boil
the steam engulfs me
I edge closer and closer to the rim
I will boil over
I was forgotten
so I must burn you
until I can simmer